Spice Up Your Sex Life: 5 Bedroom Game Changers

Your intake form here says you want to spice up your sex life. Well, you’re in the right place! As a psycho-sexologist, I help individuals and couples reconnect with desire. So here’s the truth: Spice isn’t just about novelty and tricks, it’s about building a sexual culture in your relationship that feels alive and interesting to you.

Let’s dive into five ways to reignite your sex life.

1. Re-write your erotic narrative

I want to redirect your focus away from what’s between your legs, to what’s between your ears. Why? Because the way you think effects how you feel desire.

Desire is shaped by the stories we tell ourselves about sex, love and intimacy. Have you ever thought: “They never initiate anything first because they aren’t into me”? Or “I’ve been in a low mood for months”? Yes? I thought you might have. These thoughts don’t just stay in your mind. They shape how your body shows up – or shuts down.

Re-writing your narrative starts with deciding to think differently. By positively re-framing your sexual script you can stop it cockblocking you. When we reframe, we want to swap scripts – those internal narratives – from limiting to limitless:

• Say: “We give ourselves permission to explore what feels good right now,” instead of “We don’t try anything new”.
• Try “I can talk to my partner about what feels good for me,” instead of “My partner doesn’t know what turns me on”.
• Instead of “We’ve lost the spark”, say “We’re building a new spark.”

This practice targets the little voice in your mind which keeps you stuck in a rut. Adopting new thoughts gives you options and opportunities for understanding and curiosity with your partner. And you need those to build desire and spice up your sex life.

2. Anticipation as an aphrodisiac

Take yourself back to the early days of the relationship. Was your sex life stronger then? Yes? How much of that was longing for the next time? Counting down until it was time to get naked? That’s anticipation driving home that desire. The delay, the possibility, the “not yet” made you want more.

It’s normal and okay for anticipation to fade in relationships. We come to know our partners so well that we know their routines and sex can become efficient, predictable, and scheduled.  The catch? Without anticipation, sex can lose that electric “can’t keep my hands off you” feeling it had in the beginning. That drop in novelty and surprise means you miss out on the dopamine rush that made early relationship sex feel so hot. The solution? Bring back the tease.

Ways you can use anticipation to spice up your sex life

• Have make-out only days. Choose a day or days in the week where penetrative sex is off the table and an absolute no-go. You can only kiss and touch – creating more tension curiosity, and anticipation!
• Sext them. This can take you back and is so much fun! Send a little message the day you’ll see them, or in the morning when they’re at work. This creates a story or a visual for them to think about until you reconnect.
• Turn toy shopping into foreplay. Picking out a sex toy together isn’t just about the toy, it’s about the anticipation it creates. Browsing online  – or in-store – sparks conversations about fantasies and preferences you might not normally voice. Then there’s the wait. Waiting for it to arrive, waiting for the right night to unwrap it together, waiting to see how it changes the way you play.

Read more: Getting started with sex toys for couples by Kate Manning.

 3. Use your communication skills

When it comes time to connect physically and create an erotic space, lead with questions that invite curiosity and discovery. Why? Because curiosity keeps sex from becoming routine. When you ask playful or thought provoking questions, you open the door to intimacy, novelty, and surprise. All of which trigger desire and keep sex feeling alive.

Instead of the flat “what do you want to do?” which can leave your partner drawing a blank, try sparking discovery with prompts like:

• “Can I tell you something I’ve been wanting to try out for a while?”
• “What’s a fantasy you haven’t told be before?”
• “What’s something you’ve enjoyed in the past that we haven’t done in a while?”

These kinds of questions don’t just get answers; they build anticipation, foster trust, and make space for new erotic possibilities.

Using communication skills also means stepping into vulnerability. That might sound scary, but vulnerability is what turns sex into connection rather than performance. When you share your likes, wants, and desires openly, you invite your partner to do the same. Direct statements such as “you are so sexy”, “I love your body”, or “I want to know you” create reassurance and deepen intimacy.

4. What does ‘spice up your sex life’ even mean?

Spicing things up doesn’t have to mean whips, chains, or a secret drawer full of sex toys – though if that’s your vibe, amazing! For plenty of people, “spice” is actually about feeling connected, seen, and wanted.

Think about those moments when you were so in sync that one look said it all. You know they want you, they know you know. That’s spice. And to get back there, you need to be willing to get vulnerable and let yourself be seen. Here are some of the ways you might view spice:

• Emotional spice is about feeling close, connected, and truly seen. It’s that magic moment when they look at you, and you know they know exactly what you want . To get back to this kind of spark, you need to lean into vulnerability. Share a fantasy, tell them how they make you feel, or offer something as simple as: “The way you look at me before we kiss excites me.”
• Playful spice is having fun and feeling relaxed during sex. It’s not always about intensity or performance, rather it’s about ease, laughter, and connection. Letting yourself relax and share a laugh in the middle of sex can actually deepen intimacy. Every couple’s version of playfulness will look different, so pay attention to the moments when you naturally feel cheeky, light hearted, or curious together, and lean into those.
• Sensual spice is about revelling in the feels and staying in the moment. Instead of rushing toward orgasm, let pleasure unfold at its own pace. Linger in the warmth of a firm massage, the goosebumps from a light tickle, or the thrill of experimenting with temperature play. By focusing on sensation itself, you create space for desire to build naturally, and the orgasm, when it comes, feels like an effortless bonus rather than the main event.

5. Build your erotic toolkit

And of course, I couldn’t finish this list without mentioning sex toys! Think of them as extensions of your pleasure toolkit. Tools that can add novelty, intensity, or simply a different kind of fun. As we previously discussed, shopping for the next toy can even be part of the foreplay, as browsing opens up conversations about fantasies, preferences, and curiosity. Here are some of my top picks and how you can use them to spice things up:

• Clitoral and internal vibrators. Classics for a reason. A clitoral vibrator like a bullet or suction toy can heighten external stimulation during solo or partnered play. Internal vibrators like G-spot vibes are great for adding variety during penetrative sex or for teasing warm-up play. Try using them as part of foreplay. Hand the control to your partner and let them set the pace.
• Couples’ toys. These are designed to be worn during sex, like a strap on, vibrating cock ring or a wearable vibe that slips between your bodies. These are brilliant to create shared sensations and help both partners feel included. Couples toys also extend out to furniture based toys and other items such as a Splash Blanket which can enhance sex and even make certain fantasies more accessible.
• Bondage + sensation toys. Blindfolds, feather ticklers, and cuffs are easy entry points into sensory play. A blindfold instantly ramps up anticipation because not knowing what’s coming makes every touch more intense. Pair this with gentle teasing using feathers or temperature play (ice cubes, warm massage oils) to engage more senses. This pack is fantastic for a couple new to bondage and eager to try it all.
• Lubricants & enhancers. Not always thought of as “adult toys,” but they can transform sensation. Cooling, warming, or tingling lubes and delay sprays can amplify touch and make even the most familiar activities feel brand new.

Spicing up your sex life isn’t about throwing out everything you know. It’s about layering in curiosity, play, and a little bit of the unexpected. Whether you’re rewriting the inner stories that shape your desire, sneaking anticipation into your daily routines, or asking your partner questions that open new doors, the key is to keep things alive and evolving. Your version of “spice” doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s, it just has to feel good for you.

And remember, your sex toolkit is never complete. There’s always another sensation to try, another fantasy to explore, and another laugh to share.