Navigating My First Threesome

I had my first threesome at a sex party with a couple and it was so much fun.

As a single person, most of the information I see available about threesomes is written with the couple in mind. It’s all about how to “spice up your relationship” and what not. But what about the singles or the thirds?

My first experience wasn’t planned and took place at a sex party. A party I’d been interested in, but avoided for about two years despite the gentle reminders and invites from a few friends. Then, something clicked in my mind, and decided I had to go. Perhaps it was an attempt to reclaim my sexuality post-break up or being sick and tired of my excuses as I approach my early 30s.

So you want a threesome. What’s the worry?

Leading up to the party I wasn’t too sure what my experience would be. But I knew a threesome was something I was open to, should the opportunity arise. However, I still had so many unhelpful narratives in my mind:

• Would I be too awkward in that situation?
• How do I navigate two bodies instead of just one?
• What if the couple was way hotter than me?
• How would I feel if my friend finds someone to be intimate with and I am all alone.
• What if I don’t like anyone there or don’t find them attractive?
• Sometimes I find it difficult to orgasm. I hope they don’t find that strange.

These doubts melted away once I connected with a couple. I’d bumped into the woman a few times around the party, and I was walking in around the rabbit warren of dark hallways and playrooms when I found her and her partner again. We locked eyes and they asked if I wanted to have fun with them. I nodded enthusiastically, and we all made out right there in the hallway. We agreed to find a room, all the private rooms were taken by other people exploring their fantasies. That left one option: the gang bang room. We all looked at it each as if to ask, do we all feel comfortable here? I think we all found it even more desirable knowing there were people next to us having sex, and other people were watching.

Tips for finding your threesome at a sex party

Get comfortable with the environment

Most people will probably arrange to have a threesome at someone’s home, or perhaps a hotel. In this instance there may be less exploring to do. In my instance, I attended a sex party which was held at a sex on premises venue. On arrival, a party host showed me around the premises. I was surprised to find a dark sultry rabbit warren of semi-private rooms to play in with a few larger social areas to talk and dance. There were a few bars scattered throughout the premises, face painting, and a beautiful bathroom with saunas. The rooms were already provided with beds, condoms, lube and anti-bacterial wipes. Some rooms included sex swings, a Saint Andrew’s cross and other interesting items to play with.

For me, knowing my way around allowed me to feel safe and secure as well as excited about the possibilities that lay ahead. As a sexologist, feeling safe and excited is a wonderful point to explore your sexuality and desires from.

Set your boundaries

It is important to enter this situation being aware of your boundaries. Entering a threesome opens you up to many unknowns. Potentially more than when you have sex with one other person. To ensure safety and comfortability, it is important to know your boundaries prior to the threesome as well as the boundaries of others involved. Be aware of what you want to do, things that you are open to, and things that are a hard to pass. Knowing your boundaries ahead of time will allow you to better set the scene in the heat of the moment. If the threesome is pre-planned I truly believe communicating hard yeses and hard noes is non-negotiable to ensure you know where those boundaries are.

 Seek enthusiastic consent

A high level of consent intertwines with safety and boundaries as previously discussed.  It is super important to ensure that consent is provided both in the beginning and throughout the intimate experience. Remember consent isn’t just the absence of a no, but enthusiastic responses and engagement. During my experience of the threesome at the sex party we continuously checked in around if certain positions and acts felt good for all involved. If you need some ideas on how to work consent into your conversation and make it sexy, I have an article on that here.

Bring some lube – or toys!

Please don’t attend a threesome empty handed. Variety is the spice of life and the threesome is intended to be spicy. Starting with the very basics, lube! If you are a vulva-owner please acknowledge your aren’t expected to be dripping wet (have a WAP). Women and vulva-owners often experience sexual arousal and response differently to men and penis-owners. With this in mind, lube is a must! There are many different types of lube available, but for a threesome it’s best to opt for a water-based lube as this is a safe option to use with condoms, dams and silicone sex-toys.

Other fun items you may want to consider is something that will get all parties involved. If it is your first time having a threesome it may be a little daunting to figure out how to connect three bodies together. Pouring massage oil over one person while the other two focus on touching them and making them feel good could be a wonderful starting point. This activity allows all parties to get involved, relax and connect.

Managing your threesome expectations

A threesome is one of the most common fantasies that live rent-free in our psyches. So, you may have grand expectations and envisioned a particular way a threesome unfolds. I believe it is important to acknowledge the myriad of variables involved that will play a role in your experience.  Many people engage in performative sex, and many of our fantasies are based on performative sex. Performative sex is goal-oriented, orgasm assured. I am here to remind you, a threesome – or any sexual encounter – doesn’t need to end in the big O. My experience of a threesome certainly did not end in an orgasm. But it did provide a lot of touching, consent, fun, different positions, and adventure. To me, the experience at large was way more exciting than an actual orgasm.

I left the party feeling elated, liberated, and somewhat surprised that I found the confidence to live out this fantasy. But thinking through my desires beforehand probably helped with that! Entering a threesome as the solo person felt empowering. Especially as my experience was driven by my own desire and not to please or fulfill another person. That said if you have a service kink, go for it. I’m not judging!

Honestly though, being the third in the threesome meant I got so much attention from the couple. I was their desire, which made the experience so much more hedonistic.

10/10 would recommend.