Man Meets Flame: Talking Masculinity at the Arcwave Zing Launch

“I can be with a group of mates, and be like, ‘Has anyone had a finger up their bum?’ And everyone says no. But later, one by one, they’ll sidle up and go ‘but how good is it?’ They all do it. But no one’s willing to talk about it?”

As far as conversations about masculinity go, most men don’t do it. Google suggests ‘masculinity meaning’, ‘masculinity real meaning’, and ‘what does being a man really mean’ as top searches, along with ‘masculinity crisis’. And if anything stuck with me about the Wild Secrets x Arcwave launch of the new Arcwave Zing it’s how little men talk about being men with our friends. Whether it’s men favouring side by side bonding over talking face to face, the rise of the manosphere, or wading into the mess of toxic masculinity, I feel like men just… don’t have a space to talk about anything meaningful.

So stepping into a low key, male focused event that was, at its core, about fire, meat, and masculine pleasure, was something of a relief. And for what was supposed to be a product launch for a male masturbator, there was surprisingly little talk about the product until the Wild Secrets team started handing out gift bags towards the end of the night.

“What even is the product?” was asked more than once. And okay, I’ll get to the highlights soon. Promise.

Masculinity means never asking questions (unfortunately)

“We’re just supposed to know everything.” I remember I said that at one point, and suddenly other guys were chiming in.

“Yeah. Like as a man you’re supposed to be able to fix any problem. And know how to do everything!”

“And if you don’t know how, you’re weak.”

“But where are you supposed to learn any of that?”

And I think the fact that no-one had a verbal answer to that question spoke volumes. Because we all knew the answer. Once you hit a certain age as a man – say, 24 – you’re supposed to have it all worked out. You have obviously sprung, fully formed, into your masculine whole. And you know everything.

“And I can tell you one thing,” one of my new fireside buddies said. “The guy who asks ‘what do you like?’, or ‘where do you like to be touched?’ He a much better lover than someone who just ‘knows’ he knows exactly what she wants.”

Where do we learn to be men?

“I’ll tell you a story,” Ross said. Ross is, of course, Ross Magnaye. Head chef and co-owner of Serai, one of the hottest meal tickets in Melbourne fusing Australian produce with traditional Filipino flavours. And the man pit bossing our meal.

“When I opened Serai I thought I’d do a soft launch. I invited my close friends and family to eat at my restaurant. And one hundred and fifty people showed up. And I had this giant fire and no idea how to cook on it. So I was literally there, on the day of my opening, looking up how to cook over fire on YouTube. We had to do a whole pig!

The rest is gastronomic history. You could say Chef Ross was lucky. He learnt online, and it paid off, and now he has a funny story to tell at sex toy launches. But I think the lesson here is it’s okay to not know something. You’re allowed to learn something new. And give it a red hot go. And you’re allowed to admit to learning it.

Making space for masculinity

The conventional wisdom is that male privilege and The Patriarchy ™ mean we live in a male dominated world where men take up most of the space. Like the high paying jobs, or the share of discussion in any given meeting. Or the number of orgasms we have during sex. And sure that’s objectively true. It’s also objectively true that men aren’t offered many opportunities to talk about masculinity. It’s already defined – and if not by us, it’s defined for us.

As Adam Lea, Wild Secrets’ Marketing Manager said, Wild Secrets has put on five or six events in the last few years. And Man Meets Flame was our first focusing on men. And without dictating the topic of conversation, or holding a forum, or any workshop, we accidentally created a space for men to engage with the world ‘masculinity’. To reflect on what it meant. What it means now. And what it’s going to mean in the future.

About the Arcwave Zing

Real talk, I haven’t tried the Zing. Yet. So I can’t currently speak to it. But I was around when one of my colleagues – let’s call him Deano – talked about testing the new vibe. And yes, testing the toy was a pre-requisite for Wild Secrets agreeing to a launch event.

“It’s like nothing I ever tried before,” he said. “It felt… different. Stimulating. The two motors…” he trailed off at that point, seemingly not sure where to go next.

“And did it work?”

“Yeah!” the word burst out of him, almost like it was a strange question to ask.

Looking at the design of the Zing, I can see that it’s got a split design, so you can use it no matter how thick you are, and the band keeping it on is going to be much more useful than you think. Just knowing it’s not going to fall off mid stroke makes it much easier to focus on how it feels on you, and personally I love the open-ended design. And I’m pretty sure my boyfriend will too. Toys that can be used with him as well as alone are just *chef’s kiss*. In that respect the Zing is a money saver. And saves space in my toy box.

Set an intention. And let the conversation flow.

As the fires burned down to coals and the chill drew in – thankfully without rain – I was left to reflect on the night. A product launch that was less about the actual product, and more about quiet discussions about what masculinity even is in 2025. What does it mean to go through the cultural whiplash of yes, male dominance being an unspoken norm to trying to work out how to support our friends through male isolation and loneliness when no one taught us how to do this.

I’ve gone on record in the past saying that the main reason I know how to be a good friend and partner is because a group of wonderful people decided they liked me, kept inviting me to parties, and slowly taught me how to listen, how to ask for consent, and how to feel safe in reaching out to connect. It’s let me become a man who can offer some of the safety, understanding, and opportunities to grow and learn to other people if they need it. Does that make me a good man?

Am I a good man?

Ultimately I see the answer reflected back to me by the people who choose to be around me. But for one night, a group of us got to stand together in a space of cozy darkness, woodsmoke, fire, and beautifully seared meat, and ask ourselves and each other what masculinity meant to us. And as a man, I’d like more spaces like that.

And if it takes a new masturbator like the Arcwave Zing to make those spaces happen, then thank you Arcwave. I hope Deano was right about your actual vibrations being as good as the vibes of the launch. Three of the guys at the event have said they’re happy to provide feedback on the toys – yes, everyone got one – so watch this space for updates!

Matthew Lang is an employee of Wild Secrets. Wild Secrets would like to thank Arcwave for sponsoring the launch, Darling Distillery for the gin, Chef Ross and the team at Serai Melbourne, and all our guests for making the night special.